Nothing has helped me stay focused on being married more than deciding for myself that Divorce wasn’t an option. I made that decision around year 5. I did because every time anything happened I’d consider 3 options to deal with it, you know A: I could this, B: I could do that, C: I could do the other But D: was always I could get a Divorce. No matter what ... Option D always seem to make the list of what I could do regardless of what happened. Crazy.
I’ve shared that I was raised by Divorced, strong independent women so Divorce was absolutely something that I understood to be viable, common place, and ok to do. I’ve grown to understand that every person makes the best decision they know for themselves at the time. I have never probed much of the circumstances surrounding each of their choices to Divorce. They were just always Divorced and each one of them was on to living their best life. They were dating, traveling, shopping, working, buying cars - doing what it do & nothing “seem” to be missing. So to me, as an young outsider looking to them, Divorce didn’t seem to hurt them much. They made it look easy.
Fast forward. We’re married. We married reasonably young (he was 25 & I was 24). We thought we were grown (now I know we were far from it ). The cleaving process starts which BTW is hands down the hardest part of marriage. News flash!!! Be warned, cleaving is an ongoing process. We just celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary & guess what? We are still cleaving. Anyway... every time something happened between Chuck and me, I’d hurl like a missile launching, “I’ll just leave your ass & get a Divorce.” Boom If I didn’t say it, I surely thought it loud enough for him to hear. I thought it often and even over & over as I fumed. That one liner takes every argument to a more intense level quick, fast & in a hurry. Talk about going for the juggler. It’s a detonating chokehold move for sure. It likely the most painful words you could ever say to your spouse. To Chuck’s credit, he has never said that to me and only a few times I think he thought it loud enough for me to hear . But me, on the other hand, I’ve said and thought it enough for the both of us. No lie.
Once I earnestly gave my life to Christ, I really began to understand marriage from God’s perspectives and that started a change in me. It made me wrestle down how I was flirting with Divorce and so casually throwing it out. I really had to ask myself, was that really what I wanted. And I concluded that I wanted a lot of things but I really did not want Divorce. I decided to eliminate it as an option and to stop carelessly hurling it at my husband in word and thought.
Now before you snap your neck & roll your eyes in true Sista-girl form, pls know that even though I ruled Divorce out of my everyday thinking (yes, everyday - don’t judge me), I still had some non-negotiable standards for our relationship that I am ever so thankful that I have never had to face. I won’t list them because I feel it’s not important to know why I might ever consider Divorce as much as it’s important for you to establish those non negotiable standards for yourself without opinion. Just know my standards line up with what God says. Having said that, I do want to say this - abuse in any form should NEVER be tolerated.
When I purposed in my heart that Divorce was not option, it forced me to find real solutions and make real changes. With time I’ve gotten better at making choices with “us” in mind. Lol. Just because Divorce wasn’t an option doesn’t mean I wasn’t still being selfish, inconsiderate, and biased to my own interest. Nobody spoiled me better than me so getting my way was important to me all day everyday. With time, maturity & relationship development, my mindset has grown to be centered more on “us” rather than just me. But I’ll be honest - I decided I was in my marriage to stay long before I really embraced the true oneness our relationship. It’s a process. Give yourself time.
Many flirt with Divorce and it’s not to be played with. The best example to really illuminate what Divorce is like - consider pulling skin off your flesh which is knitted to your body just as every aspect of you is knitted to your husband. You see what I didn’t see from those strong, independent women who raised me is their broken hearts, shattered dreams and bruised confidence. They indeed suffered from Divorce despite what I saw and they failed to share. I have had friends Divorce and it’s been hard to watch them experience it firsthand. Divorce is truly a painful experience and it’s not to be played with at all. Do everything you can to avoid it. I have intentionally capitalized Divorce to only emphasize how big a deal it is. It is the Big D and it reeks havoc on all involved. Your marriage is worth the fight. Your family is worth fighting for.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can thrive. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.