I’ve been there. Disconnected. Saying things in my head like: ”Why am I still here”, “ I don’t want to be here”, “He gets on my nerves” or even “ I think I made a mistake”. All of those thoughts are mostly fleeting but occasionally one may linger - right in the back of your mind. It makes you doubt just about everything. Things about yourself. Things about him. Things about y’all. The longer it lingers, the more you doubt until you begin to feel uncertain. And once uncertainty takes hold, you begin to question love. “How do I feel”, “Is this all there is”, “Do I even love him”. Been there.
There were a few things I had to reconcile for myself in order to center myself and my convictions: Where did I truly stand, what did I really want, and did I want my marriage. I had to be honest with myself and not waddle in pain and disappointment. Once I concluded where I stood, I had to resolve to stick to that decision despite what I faced. Marriage may not be for everyone and for some it may only be a season. But I concluded that I wanted my marriage for my lifetime. When I resolved that for myself, I then had to challenge myself to think and act accordingly 24/7. I had to put effort in to reconnect what I allowed to disconnect as I waffled. Reconnecting takes effort. Here are a few tips.
Treat your husband with kindness. Simple as it sounds, kindness is really the key to staying in love. Research has shown that taking more loving actions actually makes you feel more in love. In any interaction with your husband, whether it’s personal or practical, try to be kind in how you express yourself. This softens him, even in heated moments. Continuing to be loving and generous has a huge payoff and a million rewards. It makes you feel good within yourself and creates space for your husband to ultimately move closer to you. It allows you to be more compassionate toward him and feel for his experience, separate from yours, which also increases your own feelings of interest, attraction, and tenderness.
Take advantage of what you love about your husband. Reflect on what you love and appreciate about him. What qualities do you admire or feel amused by? If you like that he’s adventurous, keep sharing new activities. If you enjoy his sense of humor, be playful in your communication. If you value that he’s warm and affectionate, make sure to connect with them each day, rather than getting caught up in other things. Pay attention to the large and small characteristics he displays that bring you joy.
Share lively, non-routine experiences. When you first fall in love, in some ways, you are probably the most open you’ll ever be. After all, you’re letting an entirely new person matter to you and influence your life. This spirit of adventure and willingness to try new things is actually part of what creates a spark between two people. Continuing to explore side by side and seek out new experiences to share is a powerful way to keep the excitement and vitality going strong. Relationships can start to become more practical and routine as they go on, particularly with the sharing of kids, household, or financial responsibilities, but these parts of life can also be part of that adventure, as long as you’re making time to do new things that make you both feel more alive.
Staying in love means staying close to feelings — all feelings. It’s when you are in real love that you can experience real loss. Hurt exists. Joy comes with sadness, and it’s sometimes easier to live at a distracting distance than to allow yourself to go all in. Falling back in love isn’t a passive tumble into the past, but a leap of faith you actively take and continue to take every day you choose to be together.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can thrive. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.