It’s my truth. I own it. I don’t go all in like I used to but nonetheless I can be dramatic. I saw this pic and thought to myself ... “Guilty”.
Sometimes I just let my emotions get the best of me. I make mountains out of molehills. I make it a big deal when it’s not. I let myself get all worked up when I really need to take a chill pill. I will say I’ve gotten better. Maybe it’s age. Definitely maturity. In fact, I am finding that it’s exhausting to be on #teamtoomuch. Lol I’m working hard to be a better version of me but I’m not perfect so I sometimes have moments - dramatic ones.
As recent as only a few months ago, I let myself go there. I got all worked up and it happened. I blew up. Before I knew it, I was being way dramatic. I can laugh at myself now, but in the moment, my emotions were all over the place. In retrospect, I can see how things mounted in me to set me off. But at the time, especially to Chuck, it seemed like I was greatly overreacting to something harmless and even simple. He asked me a question. He asked my opinion of a pair of shoes he was thinking of buying. Simple enough. But for me it was as if he pulled the pin out of the “Denise Grenade”. I blew all the way up. I can see now that I was swirling in a lethal emotional mix of hurt, disappointment, and misunderstanding topped with anxiousness, hope and impatience. Odd mix, right?!?! It was just a few days before our 25th Wedding Anniversary party. And his question came at a moment when my reasoning was way off. I was worked up and before I knew it I had found myself saying things that were unfiltered and mean. Of course, I went on and on and on in that way. And it wasn’t until I saw him gathering his things for work and walking out the door to get away from me that I realized that I had gone too far. Clearly, I was dealing with way more than what he asked. But he didn’t know it.
I felt horrible. It was on me to make amends with him. So, I got to texting my sorries in tears. What sucked even more was the shame and utter personal disappointment I had to reconcile within myself for how I let myself go. Geez Louise, Denise! That secondary emotional ride is just as brutal as the first. The sense of disbelief, even more hurt, even more disappointment and even more misunderstandings is just as overwhelming. On top of all that emotional torment, I really needed to check it in quick because folks were arriving and the anniversary party was happening soon. In the end, my desire was for our party to be a great celebration and I didn’t want to rain on our parade - no not this time. Chuck is very patient with me and I’m grateful. He has had a flowing fountain of forgiveness that has lasted many years, forgiving all of my dramatic antics. I am so glad that he doesn’t go toe to toe with me during those times because they would end in far greater despair and destruction if he did. I’m self aware. I bring the drama. He bears it and presses me to rise up above it for the sake of us. Now, of course he has his “moments” and shows out in his way but for the most part I carry the dramatic title when it comes to us.
Bringing myself back from those dramatic moments is when I strive to learn more about me. I haven’t always been this introspective but I’ve learned that I need to get a better grip on me so I am growing to be more perceptive of my triggers and personality. How did I get here? Why did I get here? What can be done differently in the situation? What can I do differently for myself? I know one of my biggest triggers is wanting things a certain way and wanting them done at a certain time. I am learning to be more accepting. Funny thing is I am very accepting when it comes to others but my expectations tighten when it comes to my immediate family - especially my husband. In my mind, he should know better, I guess lol. What prompted that pre-party blow up was me wanting things done well ahead of when they were getting done. It wasn’t just him but my girls, too. Chop, chop! Get it done already. So when he asked me about the shoes, I was already having a very heated internal struggle with the disappointment that things were still not done. In my mind, those shoes should’ve been bought months ago, so when he asked for my “last minute” opinion - I lost it.
I once heard someone say, “When someone overreacts to something you say or do, chances are they are brewing other issues.” Such was true for me. I’m thankful for the grace I received in that moment and I recognize often when I need to give that same grace to others as they may be brewing just as I was. I realize things generally work out. I am also beginning to recognize that I expend a lot of good energy by getting so worked up and I’m getting too old for that. I’m working on it and I’m better than I once was. In the end, it did all work out. It always has & it always does. The irony is I chuckled to myself all party long as so many people complimented Chuck’s shoes. If only they knew, those shoes nearly took a sista out.
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Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.