If you ask each of us what’s romantic and turns us on, you’ll hear something different person by person. For some it’s unexpected flowers, cards or calls. For others it’s new purses, shoes and jewelry. For some it’s dinners, walks and cuddles. And for others it’s quality conversations, passionate kisses and suggestive innuendos. Romance and intimacy are very personal. We know when our love bank receives a big deposit bc it makes us feel good and we grin from way down inside. We feel gitty and we’re all in, ready to share ourselves completely when the right cards are played that resonates with us.
The worse is when intimacy begins to feel routine, lacking romance and authentic passion. Our sense of enjoyment feels fake or non-existent and we know in our heart that what just happened was far from the lovemaking we enjoy. And depending on how long this type of unfulfilling routine is kept up, it can become your demise simply bc you’ve loss interest and have even loss the desire to “do it” anymore. Your love bank is low and for a long while only you know something was wrong. You try to shake it and it’s hard bc being pleased, pursued and expressing that in return is innate with us - it’s a part of who we are as women. Yet you’re not feeling it. You begin thinking about how it used to be which only adds to your disappointment. You never imagined that it could even come to this. You begin questioning your looks, your weight, your appeal. Just unraveling all in your head. Never saying a word but disconnecting all the while. Romance was never an issue before. Intimacy was never an issue before. So what gives? ??♀️
Intimacy tends to follow a pattern as a relationship evolves. Couples newly in love typically experience feelings of closeness and excitement and have regular sex. That’s followed by the stage in which many couples start a family. Having children significantly changes a couple’s intimacy. It’s natural for a couple’s sex life to decline after having a baby because of the exhaustion and lack of private time. But many couples’ sex lives don’t recover after they get out of the baby zone. Priorities shift to raising kids and juggling careers and household responsibilities.
Even if you don’t have children, the newness of the relationship wears off after three or four years together. Typically, this is when sex becomes more routine. Intimacy breaks down at this stage because couples don’t talk about their sex life and couples aren’t as intentional about connecting with each other as they were earlier in the relationship.
Besides the maturation of a relationship, other factors can lead to less intimacy, too. Career and family pressures can eat up your time and zap your energy. Relational hurts or resentments can develop over time. One of the most common? Feeling overwhelmed and resentful that your partner isn’t helping out as much as you would like.
That’s when having a heart-to-heart can help. Sit your husband down and say, “Look, this is what it’s like to be a woman with these kids in my life right now and with my career. Do you get it? Can you support and help me?” You really need to talk about it because the resentment that builds up around feelings of inequality is one of the biggest killers of intimacy and sexuality.
In addition to discussing relationship concerns, it’s essential to have conversations about your sex life, too, even if it’s difficult or awkward at first. Just start the conversation by asking questions like:
What are some sexual activities we’ve done that you really enjoyed?
What are some things you’d like to try?
Is there anything you’d like to do more or less of?
How connected with me are you feeling lately?
Communication is by far your greatest asset & resource in helping your husband understand you, your needs, your concerns and your perspective. When you fail to talk about it, you fail to give your marriage the loving investment needed for its success. A quiet mouth does not get fed. Choosing your words, tone, and timing is key. After long work day, it’s not the best time to come out fully loaded with “You’re not meeting my needs.” I find early morning pillow talk is when we are relaxed and we’re both open to listen. The bottom line is we have to be open to talk about what we feel esp when it’s about your intimate needs and desires. If your needs have changed, help your husband please you. Unspoken expectations are unfair disadvantages. Talk about it.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can win. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
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(includes references from https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/…/keep-the-spark-alive-in-y…)
Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.