We never really focused on being intentional with date nights but I am so learning the value of them. We had a lot of time together so I never understood why it was such a big deal when others would discuss them. Chuck recently purchased a business and is a full time entrepreneur. And while I knew things would change for us, I was not prepared for the complete shift that would occur in our time together. When I say it has put a cramp in our style - just know it really has. I had gotten so use to having so much access to him as I preferred that I now realize that I took it for granted. Now, date nights are so precious to me.
This shift revealed so much in me. Mainly, it showed how spoiled I was about my time with him. It showed how selfish I was about what I wanted. It showed that I didn’t fully take his interest and dreams into consideration. To me, mine were more important. It showed how I wanted to be the COA (center of attention) of his attention - nevermind his other interest. Not gonna lie, I just about had a full on tantrum about it and had to deal with all kinds of emotions erupting. I found myself alone even lonely and so mad about it. I started to be resentful of his work - how crazy is that. I was mad bc he’s working. Then I felt stupid bc who gets ticked off about their man going to work let alone owning a business. I ignored that getting anything off the ground takes time and he’s paying his dues. I was huffy, puffy, fussy, attitudish - just a full on trip. I was not being considerate or compassionate. I was stuck on me and what have you done to me.
I didn’t take into consideration that he was being impacted, too. I was just licking my own wounds. But the truth was life as he knew it changed, too. He was Mr. Taco Tuesday but Tuesdays were no more. His running commitments came to a standstill. He was exhausted all the time. And yeah, he missed me, too. Life as he knew it came to a screeching halt and hard work took over. But me, I didn’t consider any of that bc I was so focused on what the heck just happened to me. Completely, self absorbed. I know - just a trip.
It’s amazing how we can have such pity parties on anything. How we soon forget what we were praying for, cheering on and hoping for when it gets a little uncomfortable on the other side. We can be so fixed on “what about me” that we forget him or even “us”. I had to remind myself of a lot things to reel myself in. But to Chuck’s credit he was patient with me. After 25 years, he just looks and likely thinks, “this too shall pass”. I reminded myself things like “he loves me”, “we are in this together”, and even more I felt challenged to check on me. What I mean by that is I used the time to reflect and evaluate what I wanted and what I needed. I started to recognize the void was not so much his absence, but it was deeper and more about me. I no longer had him to fill my focus and bc we’re empty nesters, I didn’t have our girls to fill my focus either. I could sense there was more to the void. Then I realized that’s why my response was so overly traumatic this time. I had a void and I couldn’t cover it up anymore. Being busy wasn’t enough to shield the void this time bc I was in an absolute quiet place, recovering from surgery.
This realization sent me on a quest to find true purpose and passion. It made me recognize that there was more I needed to do and deposit in others. My peace didn’t come from date nights, though I thoroughly enjoy them now mainly bc they always end in great lovemaking but that’s another topic for another day. My peace came from seeking purpose. See, fulfillment is on the other end of purpose. Many of us cover the void with so much - work, husband, kids, family, busyness but eventually it shows up and it generally makes us mad when it does. Mainly bc we feel so vulnerable. My suggestion is to get in front of it by seeking purpose now. No matter how busy you are, purpose is still vital to your life. It will ground you and you won’t flip out if he has to work long hours or some other shift occurs. Once you get it (purpose) pursue it with diligence and passion. The First Wives Club birthed out of my quest for purpose. It excites me and I know the best is yet to come. Now I am not fixed on my access to him. I am enjoying him when we have time... date night 🤗.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can win. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
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Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.