Do you really want to be right? Or would you rather be reconciled?
My goodness. I saw this thought provoking question & is it ever a challenging one. I grew up always proving my point, making my case and taking names. Just the way it was. I was the youngest girl to two older brothers that did NOT spoil the baby girl. Instead, I literally had to roll with the punches. Never cuddled but I had to stand my ground with conviction and fight back. Still wondering why I wasn’t spoiled by them but I am sure my mouth had a lot to do with it as I was born a slick talker. Anyway...
Being right was my mantra. Making my point was just how I flowed. So when we got married I knew exactly how to go toe to toe. I did it my whole life with my brothers & in ‘dem streets. The fight back mentality was ingrained in me. And though it was no longer physical fighting like with my brothers - it was mental warfare. And I was good at it. I knew how to run game. This made marriage interesting bc I was treating it all wrong. I was all into “rules of engagement” in my head. Sizing him up like he was the enemy. Good Lord. I’d study him so I knew his triggers, weaknesses & strengths. I am a keen observer so it’s not much I miss even now. I knew just how to flip situations to turn the tables and make him feel exactly what I felt. And would relish in doing so. It was a guarantee that he was gonna feel exactly how I felt whenever he’d hurt my feelings. Maybe not the exact context but the exact same point. I could get him back so effortlessly to prove my point without ever saying anything and never letting on that he even hurt me. Thinking about it, I’m just smh. So conniving. I am so ashamed. But I did it bc I had a sense of entitlement, thought I was right, and felt I was rightly justified in doing so. I had it all wrong in so many ways, being combative where vulnerability would have help me thrive more. But I saw vulnerability as weakness bc growing up it was.
I had to renew my mind. Thank goodness for Jesus. Between Him & having kids, I believe I became more caring and empathetic. I had to begin to see that being “right” often meant standing alone. And while I could brag (to myself), pat myself on the back, and relish in the “winning” moment, I was not working for the favor or benefit of my marriage. I was “right wrong” if there could be such a thing.
I had to realize that Chuck was not my brothers. He was not my neighborhood foes. He was not my childhood bullies. Or those middle school creeps. He was not involved in any of the painful things that I experienced growing up. He was my life partner, who chose me. He was committed to me. He loved me differently than any love I thought I knew. He was for me and wanted me. I had to get that straight in my mind in order to see the truth & good in “us” and begin to treat him and our relationship with appropriate honor & respect. Was he perfect - No! But he was committed to me, to us. #TeamTaylor
The journey as a wife is so complex. It’s more about you growing, being open, and vulnerable. You have to recognize that this is not like your past pains but rather a unifying process that blossoms from a basis of love - authentic, unconditional love. I’ve said it before, we don’t understand how demanding and sacrificial LOVE truly is - that is until we begin living it out. And love’s sacrifice is the shedding, giving and changing of YOU. It scares off many. But if you stick with it, it will blossom so beautifully to the point that you cannot imagine life any other way.
Man, that question. “Do you really want to be right? Or would you rather be reconciled?” I know it may take a lot but choose reconciliation & choose it every time. Every time.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can win. You’re in the right position to do so. Love your man. Honor him. Be reconciled. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.