Growing up, sex was never discussed with me and everything I learned about it, I learned from the wrong people and the wrong places. Quiet as it’s kept, I’m nearly 50, soon to be married 25 years with 2 young adult daughters and my mom has yet to talk with me about the birds & the bees. Go figure. So my understanding and perspective of intimacy was so jacked up and abused by the time I got married. I violated my innocence and I really had no idea what true lovemaking was all about. I didn’t have a right understanding of what it meant to give myself lovingly. All I knew was to “Get down on it” as Kool & the Gang said.
I didn’t understand how selfless, endearing, passionate, fulfilling, and involved lovemaking could be. In fact, it wasn’t until recently that I embraced the term lovemaking. It changes the narrative from some other terms I’ve thought and have said to described sex. You see, when say lovemaking, it acknowledges it as the truest, authentic expression of love’s definition. It makes the experience of intimacy with your mate be holistic & unashamed. Think about. Here’s the definition of love from the creator of love. Read it. Don’t gloss over it from memory. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Let’s play that back and consider lovemaking as the expression of that definition. It means when we are making love with our husband, we are intimately expressing patience and kindness. When we are making love with our husband, we don’t envy or boast and we don’t do it in pride. We should not dishonor our lovemaking with him in any way. We are not self seeking when we are making love with our husband. We are not angry and should not keep records of wrongs. When we are making love with our husband, we should not delight in evil but rejoice in truth. And get this, when are making love with our husband we are protecting, trusting, hoping and preserving our love for them. It goes on to say our truest expression of love never fails. That’s so deep. That’s why outside of the marriage covenant its really hard to be pure in lovemaking bc it’s so bare bones & selfless and without a true covenant commitment - no authentic bond (cleaving) can occur. It’s like a fake Louis Vuitton bag - no matter how good it looks, it’s still a knock off. It’s still fake. The real Louis Vuitton bag will always cost more, look better, be authentic, maintain its lifetime guarantee and hold its value for years to come.
I remember when I didn’t have right thinking on intimacy and I used it to attempt to use it to control Chuck. I’m thankful that he didn’t give into being vulnerable and violate our marriage at times I withheld myself. That is the worst strategy ever. Loving your husband goes beyond words and feelings - it is expressed most authentically through lovemaking. It’s your pleasure, position, and responsibility to be in the right place every time.
I remember a friend was suffering from endometriosis and intimacy was painful for her. She couldn’t bear it. I’ll never forget when she taught me something about intimacy in one sentence. She said, “I couldn’t let it stop me, we had to get creative.” There was no way she was going to lose her position to please her husband intimately. She schooled me right in that moment bc I’d be having a pity party if I was in her place. She helped me to know that I could get creative, too. Push the envelope, be curious, experiment together, ask questions, share ideas, be open and experience pleasure. Freed my mind. There are no rules. And don’t be so quick to say no when your husband makes suggestions or ask you to do something new and out of the ordinary. Make sure all his curiosity stays with you and you at least try what he asks so he’ll know he’s safe with you intimately. This keeps passion alive and that is important. Forever is a long time (and that’s what we signed up for) so have fun on the journey. Explore his body - it’s yours. He may look a little sideways when you make your first creative suggestion though. Lol. Just be confident in asking him. It won’t take long for him to be down with it ‘cause no matter how old he is, he is freaky enough to give it try. Trust me. Here’s the theme: Be as creative as you want to be, as long as its you & he!
I also remember something someone shared with me that helped me refocus. When I was disappointed in him, or in things, or in our relationship or in whatever - I would withdraw myself not as punishment for him (though I’ve had that wrong thinking and have called myself doing that). Instead, I just didn’t feel like it, didn’t feel him, or didn’t want to bothered. Didn’t matter. I just wasn’t down. This prompted a disconnection between us. And those disconnects only get worse. Take it from me. You’ll have to fight your way back from it before it spirals. Anyway, I was advised something that seemed a bit unorthodox but I did it bc deep down I always want him even if I don’t want him to know it. Lol. I was told to pray for him (and only him) while we were making love. At first I’m like, “What?”. But I did it. And I still do it often now. It’s taking touch & agree to a whole ‘nother level but it works. Remember what the definition of love is and that lovemaking is the most authentic expression of love. Now, this is a silent prayer (would be very weird otherwise) and the entire prayer is about him only. Pray for his entire body as you caress him. Pray for his back, arms, legs, chest, head, and touch every part as you pray. Pray for what you desire for him - his dreams, needs, wants, desires. All that. Nothing like having him your arms intimately as you pray for him. I’m telling your connection will be restored as you commit to doing it. Everything starts with forced obedience so get in there and make yourself do it. Then it will become your delight. PS don’t worry God is not offended or creeped out. He’s Omnipresent and the creator of love anyway so it’s all good.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can win. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
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Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.