I CHOOSE ME TOO

Listen! Things changed for me when I got a life. I found that when the weight of family life began to make its demand, I put myself and my interests on the backseat way too often until it just became my norm. It’s a pretty common response, especially for wives. In fact, we make it make sense because true love is selfless and we are lovers. But the mistake is NOT giving ourselves fully to love as that is expected, right and honorable. The mistake is losing who we are when we love. We confuse loving & losing when in fact they are not connected to one another or even dependent on one another. Loving him doesn’t mean losing me. Yet we (as wives) often end up getting lost in the mix.
Marriage is a union and together you make a whole. We unite with our husband but doing so does not mean we disappear. We still exist. But unfortunately we sometimes start to act like we don’t. We have real needs, wants, desires and passions. But often times we begin to suppress or even ignore them for the benefit of others, namely our husband and kids. However, ignoring or even suppressing doesn’t make our powerful “inklings” of who we are go away. What may end up happening is unintended depression and discontent can start set in should we suppress for too long. Marriage is beautiful and we are uniquely beautiful in it as ourselves. Our value did not diminish nor did our interests and perspectives go away when we got married. We are still valuable and those things are still very important to us even if we start being silent about them.
So back to my misstep. I began neglecting the priority of doing things for me. It was 100% my choice as I was not forced. It kinda just happened. But as it wore on I found myself blaming others for my discontent, mainly Chuck. Seemed there was always time for something else, money for something else or priority interest in something else. I found myself making it happen for others. I let their priorities outweigh mine. Again I did it willing because I thought it was the right thing to do. Though I was well intentioned, I ultimately suffered the consequences. I became lost in the mix.
Putting “the things of me” on a backseat felt good at first. But over time I began feeling unfulfilled - you know in a rut. My schedule was packed. Lots of to dos. But I was just going through demanding motions of family life. Initially, I mistakenly began to assume that my feeling unfulfilled was an indication of something missing between me and Chuck. But I couldn’t pinpoint anything specific. I became very annoyed and overly critical of him for this & that. I convinced myself it was his fault. As if it was something he was responsible for or was supposed to be doing for me. Over time (and more honestly with maturity) I really started to understand that he is NOT responsible for my happiness nor is he even responsible for me being fulfilled. Shocker! I own that. Now, Chuck is a huge part of my life. And while he rounds out my life - he is not responsible for my whole life. And neither are my children. Yes, he is a major contributor to bringing me joy, but he is not responsible for my happiness. That’s on me.
Once I got it right in my head, I set an agenda for myself that my family had to grow to accept. They were so accustomed to me NOT prioritizing myself. I couldn’t blame them as I taught them to treat me that way. But there was going to be a shift because Mama was moving up front. Now, I didn’t start neglecting them but instead I found balance that included me, too. Once I did, I became less consumed, critical and needy for Chuck attention & time. And it was then that the whole family started to show my interests the same selfless respect that I showed theirs. But I had to be that change for that change to come. It was on me. Things became mutual and I became more fulfilled. My calendar started fill with slices of time for me. I was doing things that I enjoyed and wanted to do - and I did them with & without them. And it was OK.
I started to feel better and my sense of being in a rut went away. I began asking friends if they wanted to go to lunch, movies, concerts - and surprisingly they said yes. Then, those invites started happening in return. I started catching happy hours, matinee movies and browsing stores because I wanted to. Then, I started going away for the weekend and even taking longer trips - some with Chuck, with family, with friends, or even alone. I started to feel happier. I owned incorporating things into my life that I desired and the crazy thing is I began to feel way better about my marriage as a result. Go figure.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can thrive. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive