LEAVE OLD WAYS BEHIND

In this season of Thanksgiving, let’s be very intentional about being thankful for our husbands. We often take them for granted in ways that we really shouldn’t. And I hear you, yes they takes us for granted too. But this journey- your journey as a wife, is about you and your reaction or response to everything. You set the tone for your relationship.

Your husband is constantly looking to you to make sure you are ok as a barometer for if y’all are ok. You’ll catch his glance, his inquisitive stare, his simple ask “you alright?”, or his slight concern ask “is everything ok?” He is trying to get a sense of where you are and what’s the tone of things with you. He can sense when your emotional temperature is off - when you’re high, low, good, mad, hot mad, or when you’re ok. It’s likely one of the best sense they develop early. All of that is important to him because he wants to know how to deal with you.

There are so many stimulus or reasons that can provoke a reaction in us especially when it comes to him - from the simple to the significant. There are a lot of triggers. You forgot to give me the ATM withdraw receipt, you left the toilet seat up & I almost fell in, you left the cap open on the toothpaste, you spent more than we agreed on, you hung out later than I expected, or your phone keeps going off. There are other triggers that go deeper and can be more impactful like him sharing that he lost his job, didn’t get the job, made less than he expected or owe a debt that you knew nothing of. While the trigger specifics likely vary across us, we all have them. It’s anything he does that rubs you the wrong way.

All of it generally is unexpected and depending on your personality, you can have a big reaction to it. I have had little to no reactions and Lord knows I’ve been completely over the top. Our reactions can be expressed across the entire emotional spectrum but regardless of how they show, they most often originate from our hurt or disappointment. Our reactions can be influenced by so many factors and typically don’t follow a set rhyme or reason. The small things can send us completely over the edge while we can be seemingly unphased by the bigger more significant things. On top of that we can be so inconsistent, meaning last time we reacted very mildly to that trigger while this time it’s the end of the world. Because of this, our husbands are often very confused by us. Hence their perspective of walking on eggshells. 😂

We are emotional & I think it’s a beautiful trait. Don’t ever give that up bc it makes you sensitive which is so necessary. We must feel. What I would suggest is we do a better job at preparing ourselves to respond rather than reacting so we don’t send our relationship’s temperature through hot flashes. Preparing a response is a strategy for dealing with your hurt and disappointment. The reality is we will experience that all of our lives from many sources so being prepared with a healthy response is good for us. It’s a deliberate way to train yourself for that stimulus. It’s a way to settle yourself and know that when you sense these emotions firing, what you will do, say and feel until you can fully process your real feelings about it. Think about it, usually after we react, we think it over (process it) and our true feelings about it reveal themselves. Unfortunately, we usually have to apologize for the mayhem and attempt to reconcile so we can express our true feelings about the situation. And depending on how dramatic we were that can cause other issues and may not be easily excused. If we instead prepare a response for hurt or disappointment, we can cut out all the drama and talk about it further when we’re ready. Not to mention, we’d also stop ourselves from riding that emotional roller coaster that reacting sends us on.

This practice doesn’t make the issue go away nor does this approach solve it. What it often saves is empty, heated words from being said. It saves it turning into something else that only adds to the matter at hand. It allows you time to really process it, prioritize appropriately and share your true response to the matter. And it keeps the relationship temperature from going haywire. Spend sometime playing back how you’ve dealt with things and how you could likely have responded differently. Never negate your feelings. Just manage your response.

Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can win. You’re in the right position to do so. Love your man as best you can. #firstwivesclub #FWClive