No marriage is easy and if anyone says it is I’d have to wonder if they were being honest with themselves. Marriage takes commitment, resolve, intention and forgiveness to really thrive. And it requires even more than that to be successful. The ultimate goal is to grow old together, starting at whatever point you united. And growing old together is no small feat. My husband and I married young which meant we had mature together as well which added even more pressure.
Reconciliation is hard bc you have get past the breakdown of your connection. The necessity to reconcile is an acknowledgement that something went wrong that only forgiveness can begin the process to restore. Whether it’s forgiving yourself or someone else, it always begins there. All relationship disconnections starts with your heart feeling wronged in some way. Heartbreak is an emotional terror and regardless of the circumstances of your heartbreak, the terror begins to rob you of your confidence, your esteem and even your existence if you let it go unchecked.
Here’s what I’ve learned - what you focus on will become greater. Focus on pain, pain becomes greater. Focus on healing, healing becomes greater. Focus on reconciliation, reconciliation becomes greater. It starts with a simple decision and a subsequent resolve. We have to choose where we are going to focus - are we gonna focus on what happened, focus on how we feel or focus on what we want.
Choosing to focus on what happened keeps you stuck on the source or circumstances of the pain. It is by far the worse thing to fixate on. Have you ever talked to someone that is rehearsing the details of their pain from years ago like happened yesterday. They are stuck on the source of their pain and it’s extremely hard for them to live fully because they are nursing their pain to keep it alive. Every discussion regardless of where starts somehow detours to what happened. He did this, he said this, he meant this, or he didn’t do this, he didn’t say this or he didn’t mean that. It goes on & on for them. It is always front & center in their thoughts and conversation. They typically don’t even respond to advice to move on, simply bc all they want to see is what happened.
Focusing on how we feel about the pain is worse than rehearsing the story of the pain bc it’s basking in the emotional trauma and often spiraling on the premise of your pain. This focus flirts with misery which once it gets a grip, it only torments. This is by far the most consuming and demising focus because from it develops a root of bitterness and ruins your countenance. It really isn’t even about what was done anymore, it’s about the pain you feel.
Finally, we can become focused on what we want which is the only basis that forgiveness and ultimately reconciliation can originate from. Deciding what you want directs & aligns your actions to that intent. Nothing is as empowering as a made up mind. This why I always ask people sharing their conflict or discontent,”What do you want?” Seeking that clarity for yourself allows you to fully process the circumstance and how you feel. And while you may or may not determine that reconciliation is the best next step, it will set you up to forgive which is the most important factor to freeing your mind. Everything is forgivable. Everything! And while forgiveness doesn’t mean we are accepting of the circumstances or that we are even willing to stay, it allows us to overcome the emotional trauma so that next steps can be openly, authentically pursued.
We all have faced disappointment and even devastation. We all have had the challenge to overcome heartbreak bc no relationship is perfect. I can tell you on this side of reconciliation, its worth it to stay. I couldn’t see it when we where in the thick of the situations we faced or the feelings I felt. The thick of uncertainty, the thick of opinions, the thick of chaos, selfishness and confusion are all overwhelming without conviction towards what you want. But waking up on this side of fulfilled promises that did indeed see days of contradiction, I can tell you it was worth it to focus on what I wanted which was my marriage. Once I decided that I that became my focus. That doesn’t mean difficulties don’t challenge my resolve. But when they do I am easily reminded where stand and what I will passionately pursue.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can win. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
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Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.