Many of us are still flying high. It’s 2020 & we are excited about the fresh start that comes with each new year. What makes the newness of a new year so empowering is the sense of new beginning that we get. We can embrace and reset our perspectives on just about any & everything. We can let bygones be just that ... bye & gone. We can truly see clearer our potential & the chance of possibility for not only ourselves and for our marriage, too. It’s a chance to renew and embrace a positive perspective and nothing changes our trajectory like a made up mind.
Many of us have experienced “a lot” in our marriage relationship. We’re long past the honeymoon stage and yes things have gotten real - for some a real mess. Unfortunately for some the new year may not be as bright bc you’re facing days of discouragement especially with your marriage. You may find yourself barely hanging on. Feeling a little hopeless, wishing things were better and overwhelmed with a sense of “I’m not sure.” Your home feels lonely - even cold. Perhaps you all are not even talking or maybe barely looking one another’s way. Passing like strangers. Talking like opponents. Annoyed like enemies. Thinking like scoundrels. Playing tag team with the kids & responsibilities. Not because you hate (you don’t hate him - you may want to hate him but you don’t) but because you’re hurt. Painful words, heated exchanges and hurtful expressions are hard to get past for the umpteenth time. You lament and try to shrug it off but the pain of hurt feelings and misplaced expectations has you feeling strangled. It’s hard to breath. Smh. I don’t care what “they” said when I was growing up - words do & always will hurt you just like those sticks & stones. Girlfriend, you’re nowhere near wedding day happy let alone honeymoon horny. Y’all are 100% disconnected and it’s not cute. It’s low key embarrassing.
I know we want to bask in why we disconnected. We want to stand our ground. We want our way. We’re hurt. We’re mad. We want him to experience just how wronged we feel. We start acting out, throwing lots of shade with a real big sourpuss attitude. You that attitude we give off so that er’body can sense it from afar. Our words are short and our responses are crass. And the more wronged we feel, the more we feed the distance that starts to develop and we tell ourselves we don’t care when we really do. Now before you say it, cause I know the thought is right there on the very tip of your tongue - yes, he is responsible for things, too. He indeed had a hand in it right with you. Yes, I know that love is a two street. And I know he’s feeding the distance just as much as you. I get all that. Been there. Done that. And trust, I got a t-shirt & a souvenir mug. But as your Marriage Accountability Coach, I’m here to help you thrive in your role as his wife. I know in your mind, you think you want to quit. You’ve started shut down. Pondered packing your things (or his). But I also know that in your heart there are still glimpses of love for him and I know that a mere glimpse is enough to overpower everything that is going wrong.
So, I looked up the word reconcile and was amazed at just how simple the definition was. First thing I noticed is reconcile is a verb, meaning it’s an action word. It’s not the nouns “hope” or “wish”, it is something you do. It is something that is identified by it being done. Once we see it, we recognize it and understand it being so by action. This means you have action to take to reconcile. You have a role to play. It’s not something you passively have done to you. It’s something you participate in with active display. One thing about us (rather me, let me just talk about me) I’ve often looked to see things being done before I was willing to do them. I’ve since learned that was such a weak play on my part as I discovered that while I waiting on others, I was one missing out. Now that I’m nearly 50, I realize it’s not worth nor do I want to miss out by waiting on someone else to take the lead. I’ve learned that I must have the confidence to get it started. So now, if I want to dance, I dance. If I want to sing, I sing. If I want to go, I go. Later on for waiting on others to bust a move. I’m ok being the one to do the busting. I’ve also learned that if I start it or better said “sow it”- it happens in return. I saw that when I dance, they dance with me. When I sing, they sing with me. When I go, they go with me. And when I reconcile, they reconcile with me. We are sitting, fuming, waiting to see his action. I say, “Show him yours.” Does it matter who gets it started when it comes to someone you love? Don’t let pride rob you.
The first definition noted is so simplistic - “restore friendly relations between.” Notice it didn’t say jump to sex. It just said be friendly. Well that’s easy enough. We’re all mad but we can get over it - if we let ourselves. Remember when you were a kid and someone new came around. In less than 10 mins, y’all were buds and playing together. It happened quickly bc you were friendly. There were a lot of things that you didn’t let matter or stand in the way of hopscotch, jacks, barbies or whatever y’all played. In that moment, playing was the priority so that’s what you did. You were friendly. Keep it simple and be friendly. Restore amicable terms. Contempt only & always breeds contempt. Allow the glimpse of love you have to outshine the pain you’re holding onto. No ulterior motives, just friendly relations. It may take a few times to get it going, depending on how mean you’ve been. Ijs
Next definition “cause to coexist with harmony; make or show to be compatible.” Now it’s starting to get harder. This is where you need to get your big girl panties on and allow yourself some time. No need to rush it, remember you signed up for life. “Coexist with Harmony” requires forgiveness. And forgiveness is definitely something you have to want, work at and work through. Know this - Everything is Forgivable. Everything. And forgiveness begins with your earnest decision to forgive. Doesn’t matter what it was, who it was, why it was - you can forgive if you want and allow yourself to. Authentic forgiveness will give you the fortitude to see past the wrong while fake forgiveness will only allow you to see the wrong. I believe forgiveness has training wheels as you start to walk it out called standards, guidelines, and permissions. I believe you should share those with your husband so they are understood by you both. This will help him know why you will be looking, asking, and thinking as you walk out your forgiveness. Ask for his list of the same. He may be a little slower to get it but he will follow your lead. All of this is intended to further your display of reconciliation on your part and inspire it on his part. Let it begin with you. When you sow what you want to see, you’ll get it in return.
Finally, the last definition says “make (one account) consistent with one another, especially by allowing for transactions begun but not yet complete.” It’s progressing and this takes maturity. Grown folk stuff. From a banking perspective, we’re talking about writing checks. And yes, it applies to relationships. Indeed it does. The beauty of writing a check, though they are not used much today, is they serve a promissory note - a commitment to honor and make good. Now I’m not a preacher but if I was - boy oh boy this right here would preach! Reconciliation is process. It takes time, commitment, desire and decision. It’s action bc it doesn’t just happen. We have to start by restoring friendly relations. We have to put forth our actions to display our intent to reconcile by forgiving. And finally we need to make some promissory notes (make some promises)... write some checks that our butt can cash. Checks (promises) that we will honor and make on good.
Remember when you first opened your bank account and they would hold the funds immediately with every transaction. Declines came faster bc unless you had the money in there, approval just wasn’t happening. Reconciling your relationship is the same. Baby we need some proof of the change you speak of and unless we see it we are not approving. Not at all. But have you noticed over time - if you keep your bank account in tact, avoid overages, and carry good balances the bank starts to give you what some call “float”? It’s a consideration of leeway. Relationship wise this is when trust is being restored. You’re being consistent with one another (just like the definition says) and doing so helps you to get some “float”. Float is good. You’re feeling reconnected and better about things. Things are good. It’s getting roomy bc things are not as tight between y’all. The flow of your relationship is being restored bc you’ve been clear and accepting about standards, guideline and permissions. You’ve compromised. You’ve forgiven and you are letting love establish itself anew. And while all that is great, there is even more.
Let’s talk about the bank account again. You see once your account is being managed very well by you, the bank wants to engage more and create closer ties with you. They take it a step further and they begin to send you notices where they want to extend you lines of credit. Credit is when you can spend even more freely. The definition says it this way, “allowing for transactions begun but not yet complete”. Ha! When you hit this zone you know that the reconciliation is now reconciled. Credit takes you a long way. This is a tender process on a progression of fragility that was is strengthened as you move forward in the process. Bc this process is self guided, you have the option to stop at any point in the process. And wherever you stop - you get what you get. You have “Freedom of choice” but not freedom of consequence. So you can stop at being mad. You can stop being friendly. You can stop at forgiveness. You can stop at consistent promises. Or you can stop at restoration & thriving. The choice is yours. As your MAC, my goal is to get you to thrive.
Here’s what I know about men more than they will ever admit - especially a man that loves you - “He is hooked on making you happy & he will follow your lead.” Cmon. That’s how you got what you have, live where you live, go where you go, etc etc etc. Either you said this is what I want or you said this is what we need to do. Now he may resist a little. He may ask a few questions. And he may even take full credit for it being his idea. But you & I know from whence it began. This why I know when your man loves you - if you start dancing, even if he can’t dance - he’ll try. If you start singing, even if he can’t sing - he’ll try. And if you start to reconciling, my dear sister he will try. Be the change you want to see and see the process through until you thrive.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can thrive. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.