I can find myself uptight way too often. Typically because I want things to be or go a certain way. I am trying to learn how to relax and truly go with the flow but that’s sometimes easier said than done. I just to say to to myself often, “Don’t sweat the small stuff...” just to try to help me refocus.
I think a lot of the pressure I put on myself comes from wanting to make sure things represent us well. Whether it’s our home, our appearance, or even our conversation - I just wanted a good light to shine. That’s not a bad thing until you can’t let it go. For me, I became too critical of certain things. And being so often makes my comments be more critiques rather than compliments. From the simplest to the complex, I am often all about what went wrong even if 98% went right. For me, it’s never been about the acceptance of others, in fact it’s likely that “the others” may be far easier to please than myself. I’m often chasing my own standards or the perfected image in my own mind. And I am tough to impress - so never mind “the others.”
For me, it’s not about stuff - it’s about wanting things a certain way. My standards are likely unrealistic and the self imposed pressure to be better has made me be uptight about us & turns me into a well intentioned nag. I become way too consumed and often won’t let things go. And to me I thought I was ok bc my intentions were good. Fortunate for me, Chuck is pretty easy going and often willing to go with it ... mostly. But there are times when he’s a “no go with it” kind of guy and then... well then... there’s conflict.
Now depending on our moods, our fatigue, what happened to us just before, our words, our attitudes or our demeanors - this moment of conflict can go any direction fast. I just hope one of us remains calm so that it doesn’t go the wrong direction. No one enjoys that. Simply put conflict results when two different ideas are trying occupy the same space. Well, we’re here now - so now what? How do we deal with it?
(1) Listen for what is felt as well as said. When you really listen, you connect more deeply to your own needs and emotions, and to those of other husband. Listening also strengthens, informs, and makes it easier for him to hear you when it’s your turn to speak.
(2) Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or “being right.” Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of him and his viewpoint.
(3) Focus on the present. If you’re holding on to grudges based on past conflicts, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
(4) Pick your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worth your time and energy.
(5) Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive others. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can serve only to deplete and drain your life.
(6) Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.
Learning to resolve conflict in a healthy way is critically important. Silence and shutting down is not resolution- it’s a manipulative revolt. Communication & working towards a common goal will help turn conflict into compromise. Staying together is the #1 goal and with that as the clearest intention, all words & actions should align to that to point.
Here at First Wives Club, we are for you & your marriage. Our goal is to support you as a wife. We recognize being a wife is likely one of the hardest things you’ll ever do but we believe you can win. You’re in the right position to do so. #firstwivesclub #FWClive
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(Includes references from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm)
Author: Denise Taylor
I’m on a mission to help professional women thrive. Hear me loud & clear... Don’t Settle. You can have it all. I live a blessed life & you can too.